After The Holidays Diet

My Favorite Stress Diet

A diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST:
Grapefruit
1 Slice whole Wheat Toast
8 oz Skim Milk

LUNCH:
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 C Steamed Spinach
1 C Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
The rest of Oreo's in the package
2 Pts Rocky Road Ice Cream, Nuts, Cherries and Whipped Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce

DINNER:
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
3 Snicker bars

LATE EVENING NEWS:
Entire frozen Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy
bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat
more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part
of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples:
Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the
process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other
food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to
gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the
calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her
plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

I didn't call 911

Probably the most frustrating part of this job is the endless supply of unnecessary 911 calls. Whether it is from someone wanting directory assistance, weather reports, or kids playing on the phone, there seems to be plenty. Just the other day, within just a few minutes of each other, I received two calls. The first one came in and I could hear them talking about how they shouldn't have called because now "they" will call you back. When I called back (because that is what we do), they said it was the kids playing on the phone. The call back on the second call went something like this: "Oh, it couldn't have been my phone. I just got it out of the car." "Ma'am, it sounded like there were kids playing on the phone." "Oh no, I just went downstairs and got my phone." I really badly wanted to ask her if she parked the car in the basement, but didn't. Both were given a stern warning about illegal use of 911.

Info to pass on...just because you have an old cell phone that no longer has service, it will still call 911. By federal law, they have to be able to reach 911. If you give your old phones to your kids, make sure the battery is dead, or remove it.